


Golden

by EmmieAnn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Narcissa isn’t really a Malfoy but that was the only character tag, Self-Harm, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26186164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmieAnn/pseuds/EmmieAnn
Summary: Sirius Black was multiple people.He was the loudest person in class. A joke on the tip of his tongue. The first one drunk at a party, ready to dance on the table. The charmer. A quick tongue used to get in and out of trouble. He filled a room with his presence, attracting people to him like a moth to a light.He was the disappointment child. The bastard, a tarnish on the noble Black name. He wore the wrong colors, mind too open to new things, too rebellious.He was the child with a split lip from his mother's ring. The one who talked back, stood in front of his brother. Who maintained eye contact until his face was shoved to the ground.He was in his head. Quiet, as people who are drowning often are. His screams never making it to the surface. His lungs burning for air. Head exploding with words of hate. Stuck with himself, always. A person he doesn't want to be around.Too much. He was too much.And he was waiting for a reason.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Mary Macdonald & Narcissa Black Malfoy, Mary Macdonald/Narcissa Black, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 67
Kudos: 145





	1. Limited Time

**Author's Note:**

> TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

No matter the year, returning to Hogwarts was draining. In the beginning, he looked forward to going to Hogwarts. He always thought he would be a Slytherin, because he had to be. There were no other options besides Gryffindor, not for him. After all, when your entire family was in Slytherin for as long as the family tree went, it seemed like the only option.  
  
Then he met James Potter on the train, and he was sorted into Gryffindor, and he met his roommates. For the first time in his life, he saw another option. His parents' word was no longer law. He didn't have to be that single person. The boy with strict parents, a legacy he was failing to live up to. Even the howler he got the next day was worth it. His first year at Hogwarts was the best year of his life.  
  
The next year was a little harder. A summer with his parents. The stinging in his lip because his mother always did like the way her finger hurt from the press of her ring; and the way red dripped from his lip. The way his parents ushered Reg away from him. The poison that filled Reg's mind about him, leading to his brother barely looking at him the whole summer. The daily screaming, his voice drowned out by his parents.  
  
He almost looks back at that time with a smile, because at least then he could scream back. He remembers every word, how his vocal cords burned, how his father's face burned red. He wished he could go back to that time, when there was still fire in his veins. When he wasn't so tired. Back then, it was easier to be loud than to be quiet.  
  
Going back to Hogwarts meant glueing on a smile, because that was his role. He had to find the energy to laugh, to yell, to bring everyone's attention to him. He wasn't like James, who got perfect grades without trying, who found a passion within Quidditch, who was so unapologetic about who he was. Or Remus, who worked hard every single day as who he was and excelled in anything he wanted to excel in because he knew what he had to do to get where he wants to be. Who never takes life for granted. Or Peter, who knows when to be quiet, how to appreciate quiet. When to sit by someone and offer them comfort in silence. Always the one to show through gestures of how much he appreciates you and how glad you were in his life. The extra piece of chocolate placed on Remus' bed, or the eyeliner in Sirius' trunk because he saw how much he was looking at Marlene's, or organizing James' notes and trunk because he was overworking himself in every other way.  
  
No, Sirius wasn't like that. He didn't know when to be loud or quiet. He always thought of himself first. Silent gestures took him longer to get, and by the time he does, he's too late to help his friends. Girls always thought of him as rude, for flirting with them then cutting everything off. It was never on purpose, he was only talking, but apparently he was doing that wrong. He wasn't strong enough to mend things with his brother, to help him see how their parents were never right except in one way. They were right in their way of handling Sirius; because he was horrible. A horrible student, son, friend.  
  
He doesn't know how his friends can call themselves that. How could they look at him and decide that they want to be around him. How could James smile on McGonagall and declare to everyone that Sirius is his best friend, always has been and always will be.  
  
He wasn't strong enough to tell James the mistake he was making. Or tell Remus that you shouldn't have to work this hard in a friendship, that he wasn't worth the effort. Or tell Peter that he shouldn't try to take care of him. Or even put away the eyeliner, because it wasn't right that he liked the way it made him look. Having a piece of metal in his lip made him feel too alive. He certainly wasn't strong enough to tell Remus that in one way or another, most of his tattoos were for him.  
  
Sirius wasn't even sure if he was strong enough to get through this year.  
  
Was it too early to be planning the note inside his mind? Or which tower he'll take a step off of?  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
The turn was barely quick enough to catch James in his arms. Sirius stumbled, but held tight to his best friend. He savors the hug for a little longer than he should. He doesn't know when it'll be the last. Maybe he'll do it tonight, right before term starts. Or in two weeks. Maybe the night before his birthday, so he'll never reach the age of sixteen. Before he returns home for the summer, he can't do another summer. Maybe before Christmas in case his family tries to make him come home.  
  
"James you'll kill him if you don't let go." Peter scolds, pulling James off of Sirius before giving him a hug himself. James got one after. "C'mon, Remus said he'll save us a seat."  
  
The three haul their stuff onto the train. Sirius tried to look for Mr. and Mrs. Potter before boarding but James only pulled him up the stairs. "C'mon Pads, we have to tell Remus what we did. I can't believe we figured it out. When you sent me the letter saying you didn't, I was so pissed. Can't believe you managed it before me. Can you do it whenever?"  
  
"For the most part, yeah."  
  
"That's brilliant. I can do it sometimes, it's not as solid. Imagine how happy Moony will be. The ring looks great by the way. I told Moony that you'd get a lip piercing over a nose one."  
  
Peter was far ahead of them, already entering the compartment. James kept throwing Sirius looks over his shoulder, as if waiting for more. In an effort for James to look somewhere else, Sirius looked over James shoulder and yelled.  
  
"Hey Evans! Marlene." James' neck snapped their direction as the two girls waved. They had been talking quietly to themselves but walked over at Sirius' call to them. He didn't truly mean to call them over, it was just the first thing he could think of to move James' attention.  
  
James was too observant with everything Sirius did. How much he ate at meals, how much he sleeps, how many days he was quiet for after summer break. James was always good with those things, catching things that didn't have to be said. They always said it was his motherly instincts.  
  
"Sirius, James." Marlene greeted. "Good summers? I see you added a bit of metal to your look."  
  
Sirius smiled, not in the mood to actually talk. James took over. He always did when Sirius was having trouble in the beginning of the year. "Yeah, he did during the summer. Prat didn't even send me a letter when he got it done, just showed up here with it. How are you two doing?"  
  
Marlene rolled her eyes, ready to rant. Her bright red lips pulling apart in a sigh before throwing herself into the story. "My damn brother thought it was a great idea to move all my clothes. Not in just one spot either. Found some of my shirts in the bathroom, my pants in the kitchen, bras on the lawn. I was almost late to the train. I swear, one of these days I'm going to put him up for adoption."  
  
"You still should've had your stuff packed before this morning," Lily reasoned. "Don't be like Sirius and wait till the last minute."  
  
He shoved his hands into his pockets, looking away. What was he supposed to say, actually Evans I have my stuff packed the second I get home so I can run away at any moment. Sirius barely caught the edge of James' frown.  
  
"Bit judgemental there, Evans. Sirius is very responsible."  
  
Marlene raised an eyebrow while Lily breathed out a sharp laugh. "Sirius? Responsible?"  
  
Later in the year, if she had said this, maybe he would be able to joke around. Throw in a smirk and say Of course Evans, I know to always use protection. He could see Lily waiting for it too, her eyes going to him with a small smile that was almost a smirk, waiting to play their game.  
  
Instead, he lifted his and James' trunks, mumbled a small, "I'm gonna deal with these," to James. James didn't try to make him stay, only smiled at him.  
  
He hugged him, "You're not there anymore, I got you." Tears burned in his eyes at James' words, but nodded and ducked his head, stepping past the two girls. His eyes didn't rise higher than the floor.  
  
Before he was sixteen. He couldn't wait past then anymore.


	2. Motherly James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of weight. Hints at maybe an ED but not outright said or confirmed, but losing weight and being potentially under

James watched with a sad look as Sirius walked away. He could feel Lily and Marlene looking between him and Sirius. Lily had the concern pull on her forehead while Marlene’s concern wasn’t as obvious. 

“I was only joking,” Lily tried to defend. “I didn’t think-”

“It’s not you,” James assured her. “Sirius… summer break just ended. He needs a few days to get back to normal. The most this will last is two weeks.”

“What are you talking about?” James shook his head, causing the girls to give him sharp looks. “Is it like this every year? He’s never acted like this before. Is everything okay?” Lily set off questions in rapid fire. 

Lily and Sirius had a weird relationship. He would annoy her to no end, but he also understood her in a way no one else did. Sirius had that quality to him, just understanding you. It didn’t matter the situation, he always understood what was going on and just let you say what you needed to say. In a lot of ways, James guessed Sirius was like Lily’s brother. In typical Sirius fashion, he never told her shit of what goes on in his mind. James had barely gotten that knowledge. 

In an effort to explain but not share something Sirius would be upset with, James settled with, “It’s worse this year than normal. His family is awful and it just takes him some time to remember he’s not home. Really. The most you can do for him right now, is to just not treat him differently, he’ll blow up on you. Trust me on that one. Just treat him the same and be alright if he doesn’t respond the same way or at all. I got it.”

“I-” Lily sighed. “Okay. I really was joking though.”

“I know, and so does Sirius.” James sent the girls a tight lipped smile. “I’ll see you later. Bye Lily, Marlene.” 

The girls waved bye as James went by. He tried his best to compose himself, to prepare himself, before going inside the compartment. The train ride was always the hardest part. And with Remus being gone for some of it for Prefect things? That would only make it worse. Lily had to be on her way there before they ran into her. 

Sirius had the window down in the compartment, sitting as close as he could to it while smoking. Peter never liked the smoke ( it messed with his lungs ) so Sirius always did it outside and as far away as he could from Peter. It was a habit he found at the very end of third year, when a seventh year offered him one. He quickly found it made him feel better and started to carry a pack around with him everywhere he went. It wasn’t hard to get one. Swipe one from a muggle store or even a few of the more dodgy places in Hogsmeade. 

James entered the compartment quietly, nodding to Peter. Peter smiled back before returning to his knitting. He always knitted when he was anxious, or needed a distraction. There was a lot of knitting done the first week back at Hogwarts. Each of the boys got some type of new hat, or scarf. One year they each got a sweater by the time Peter calmed down. Sirius always got the most. Mainly because Sirius always ran a little colder and with the smoking habit cutting down his appetite, his weight was lower so he was often cold. 

“You almost done there Pads?” Sirius tensed, slightly, like he hadn’t heard James entering. He took one last drag, blew the smoke out, before putting out the cigarette and flicking it out the window. “Remus wouldn’t be happy if he saw you throw it out the window.”

“Oh come off it, he doesn’t care. You aren’t happy that I threw it out the window.” 

Sirius collapsed in the seat next to Peter, gaze glazing over as he watched the smooth movements. He looked close to falling asleep. James was almost surprised that Sirius didn’t collapse on Peter’s shoulder right then and there. He probably needed the sleep, if the shadows underneath his eyes said anything. Sleep and a few good meals. The jumper looked a lot looser on him now than at the beginning of the summer. James could almost see the DNA tattoo underneath his collarbone with how much it was falling off of him. If it was Remus’ jumper on Sirius he would understand, but his mum bought Sirius that jumper for Christmas. 

Christmas!

“Don’t let me forget to bring this up with Remus, but for holiday this year, instead of going home for Christmas, we should all take a trip. Go to some house or cabin. My mum has a cousin in France who has a second home there, said we could probably use it. And it was big. The four of us and maybe a few others. What do you two think?”

Sirius looked up at him, smiled so big it pained James. He could see in Sirius’ eyes that he wasn’t saying something, something he knew that James didn’t. “Like Lily, Marlene, and Mary?”

“Well if we invite those three, then we also invite Alice,” Peter cut in. “Why would we invite those three and not Alice?”

“Alice goes home every year, likes to see her family. Especially since her dad is sick, she goes home whenever she can.” James didn’t know how Sirius knew that. As far as James knew, Sirius only talked to Alice when he was drunk at parties or when paired together in class ( McGonagall never let any of the Marauders be paired together besides Remus and Peter ). 

“Either way, of course we could invite them. I’ve been to that house once before, it’s nice, big. Five bedrooms, so a few people would have to room together. We can talk about this more later though.” James could see Sirius’ eyes dropping. “Sirius, come over here. Let Peter knit while you sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” Sirius slurred. 

James stood up, half lifted half dragged Sirius to the other side of the compartment, then laid him down. He got out his robe and Remus’. He used his as a pillow for Sirius and Remus’ as a blanket since it was bigger. Sirius was asleep a moment later. 

“Should I make him a blanket instead of a scarf?” 

“You could. We both know he’d start taking it with him to class and such.”

Peter tilted his head, pausing. “You know most of the professors would let him, probably think he’s freezing with how thin he’s become. Even McGonagall would.”

“McGonagall would probably start giving him biscuits during class and glare at anyone who tried to say anything about the blanket. You know she’s motherly like that.” Peter bit back a laugh, the back of his hand coming up to cover his mouth. “What? She would.”

His lips turned downwards in an attempt to stop his smile. James was frowning, not understanding the joke. Peter looked close to bursting out laughing and was only keeping himself together to not wake Sirius. “James, you just describe how you are with all of us.”

“What?”

“Giving us extra food, making sure we’re warm and wearing layers, making sure no one makes us feel bad for taking care of ourselves. You are such a mother and exactly like McGonagall.”

His jaw dropped. James scoffed, crossing his arms. “No, I am not like McGonagall at all.”

“No? So, you’re not Quidditch obsessed, excel at Transfiguration, and you’re not the strict mother type of taking care of the ones you care about and trying to pretend you don’t fuss over all of us?” James opened his mouth, shut it, opened it again before slumping against the seat. “That’s what I thought. McGonagall is just an older, female, and more badass version of you.”

James didn’t know what to say to that. Peter turned back to his knitting, now intending to make a blanket. James sat in silence for the next thirty minutes thinking over all his life choices. 

Remus came into the compartment then, smiling towards the boys. 

“I am just like MCGONAGALL!”

Sirius jumped awake. 

“I’m sorry?” Remus blinked owlishly at him. “What the fuck did I miss?”

“Sirius smoked a cigarette, then went to sleep, I decided to make Sirius a blanket, and James has been informed that he is a knock off McGonagall.” Peter didn’t even look up.

Remus looked two seconds away from leaving. Instead, he looked towards Sirius, eyes snapped to the lip ring. Seemed to realize that Sirius was extremely confused and disoriented, looking around like a puppy who was just woken up. James felt a little guilty, wishing Sirius got more sleep. Remus only picked up James’ rope, chucked it at him, before taking the seat and laying Sirius back down so Remus' lap was now his pillow. His hand played with Sirius’ hair ( they all knew it was his weak point, sure to make him relax or pass out within a matter of minutes ).

Once he was sure Sirius was asleep, Remus asked “How is he?”

“Worse than last year,” James said sadly. “It’ll probably take two weeks. Might need to watch how much he’s eating too, he looks even smaller. Don’t think he did it on purpose though.” It wasn’t new for Sirius to lose weight over the summer. He never wanted to leave his room, not wanting to see his parents at all. It was safer in there, after all, but this was the most weight he’s lost so far. James wanted the blame the cigarettes, but wasn’t sure if that was entirely the problem. 

“Alright,” Remus mumbled, looking down at the boy on his lap. 

“You like the lip ring, don’t you.” James smiled wickedly. 

“Shut the fuck up.”


	3. The Roof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal thoughts and thoughts/talk of unhealthy eating habits

Sirius’ favorite spot at Hogwarts was out on the roof. You had to go through the small window in the boys dormitory and climb over the railing to get to it ( James always hated it when Sirius went up there, said he would fall ). It was the best spot though. To smoke, think. Nobody ever followed him up there, too mentally stable for that, he supposed. 

Getting away for anywhere between thirty minutes to an hour or two was a blessing. To be somewhere with no one around, knowing that they won’t follow you. A perfect hideaway. 

That doesn’t, however, mean they won’t yell up to him. 

“Sirius!” James screeched. “You have homework to do!” 

Sirius rolled his eyes, laying back on the roof. “Fuck off, Potter!” James called for Sirius again, but Sirius only took another drag from the cigarette dangling from his fingers. “Shut up already, we both know you won’t come up here. I’ll come down when I’m good and ready.”

There was another six minutes of silence until James started to yell again. “I will get someone to make you do your homework.”

Sirius sighed, sitting up. James was taking this motherly role farther every day. “Yeah right.” There was no one in the dorms that would come out onto the roof. That’s why it is his favorite spot in the castle, or rather, on the castle. 

“Wanna bet? I win, you stop smoking for a week.” 

“Three days.”

“Four.”

“Fine. And if I win, I get to pierce your ears.”

“Alright. Give me ten minutes.” He shook his head, reclining back to his previous spot. Smoke entered his lungs, settling there for a moment before Sirius expelled the toxic. Staring up at the sky, a mix of blue and orange as the sun set, casting everything into the perfect color. The trees, building, hell, maybe even Sirius, looked golden. 

He was finally made of gold; but his parents would prefer him to be silver. He was never good enough in their eyes. Now he didn’t wish to be, but when he was a child, all he wanted was their approval. He could never be perfect though. Gold would have to be good enough. He could step off the roof at this very moment, be able to fly in rays of gold. 

A hand snatched the cigarette from between his fingers, rubbing it out on the roof before dropping it to the ground. Long red hair flashed through his vision before he could process what was going on. Lily Evans sat down next to him, not concerned in the way Sirius didn’t move. 

Leaning back herself, Lily took in a breath of air, as if preparing herself. “You know, those things are awful. The smell, for your body, for your mind. One cigarette can take six minutes off your life.”

“Now you’re speaking my language, Evans.”

“That’s not funny.” Sirius shrugged, even if Lily couldn’t see it. 

He closed his eyes, not being able to bear looking at the world cast in gold with another person by him. It made him seem less perfect, with Lily being next to him. The sun perfectly highlighting her hair, skin glowing, even making the flower crown she wore on her head shine a bit brighter. It wasn’t fair for Lily Evans to look like that. To make Sirius realize how little his appearances looked next to her. His role had always been the pretty one. He could see why, he wasn't blind. Maybe a little narcissistic in some ways, but certainly not blind. Between his jaw, his hair that was always soft and with very few knots. Lily had always said how envious she was of his eyelashes, but that was perhaps the only thing he had over her ( besides being taller than her ).

It was selfish, but he didn’t want to see her cast in gold. 

There was only one other person who he could possibly stand to see in gold. His hair would shine brighter, blue eyes standing out even more while his skin was the perfect shade of gold. The scars on his face not a flaw but another piece of him, another piece that made him beautiful. 

He could feel Lily’s stare. “I’ve never actually been up here before. The girl’s room doesn’t have a small balcony to get to the roof. We just have a window. Potter said you are the only one who comes up here, the rest of them too afraid of falling. Are you not afraid of falling?”

“Are you? You’re the one who came up here after me.”

Sirius wasn’t afraid of falling. He looked forward to the day where his foot slipped and he fell. It was enough of a drop to kill him, and best of all, it would look like an accident. He would become a cautionary tale of why not to go on the roof. They may even remodel some of the castle or add spells to slow the falling if someone else were to fall off the roof. Sirius was perfectly happy being a cautionary tale. His role as the reckless and stupid one would be maintained. 

“I guess, but I trust myself not to fall. And if I do, I trust your ability under pressure to be able to use a spell to slow down my momentum before I hit the ground.”

“You have a lot of trust in me, Evans.” Everyone held too must trust in him. Too much trust that he won’t jump off the roof whenever he goes to have a moment to himself. 

“Maybe. I also trust that you’ll get off this damn roof and do your charms homework. How much do you even have left? A few inches? You can do it, then we’ll go down for dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.” You’re never hungry, his mind reminded him. It wasn’t that he wanted to avoid food, it just kinda happened. It was easier to stay in his room than to risk coming face to face with his parents. He was hungry at first, but then his stomach accommodated to the little amount of food it was given. 

“Well that sucks, because I’m starving. I’ll share a plate with you while I read over your Charms essay. C’mon Sirius, let’s go back inside.” The two of them start moving towards the window. “You know, you should really start your potions essay too.”

“Don’t push it, Evans.”

James was waiting inside the dorm, close enough to be there but far enough away for Sirius not to worry about him overhearing. The second James saw the two of them, he smiled and held out his hand. 

With a groan, Sirius went over to his trunk and brought out his packs of cigarettes. At James’ wide eyes and Lily’s stare, he explained “It’s easier to buy in bulk than to constantly go to Hogsmeade.” James sighed, but took the packs and put them in his own trunk. “Two days.”

“We agreed on four. C’mon, let’s do our Charms homework.”

Lily ruffled Sirius’ hair before making her way out of the room. She hated being in the boys’ dorms. She thought it was disgusting and unfair how girls could go into the boys dorms but the boys couldn’t go into the girls’. She found it wrong for everyone to think only girls could be victims of something like that and that all girls were innocent of possibly harassing a boy. She hated the thought of anything like that happening but she knew it was reality. 

The Charms essay wasn’t actually that bad, Sirius just really didn’t feel like doing it. James, knowing Sirius, took out the record player Remus had and the Aerosmith vinyl that Remus bought when he thought Sirius would like it ( Sirius loved it ). 

Charms homework didn’t take too long and the two went down for dinner, Lily already having a small plate of food ready for Sirius by the time they arrived. He passed over his Charms homework and started to poke and move around the food on his plate, hearing Peter chatter away about a Ravenclaw girl who caught his interest. Analise Harlin, a fifth year like them. Sirius had spoken to her a few times at parties. She was more of a quiet type but still willing to do any crazy thing her mind thought of. 

Most of all, she could go toe to toe with Sirius when it came to drinking. 

“What do you think of her, Sirius?”

Sirius hummed before realizing Peter was actually asking him. “She’s nice, smart, quiet, little crazy in the best way. Definitely knows how to hold her alcohol. Very loyal, and has a few siblings. Half blood and is the middle child. Her sister graduated last year and she has a brother in Hufflepuff. She’s up for a conversation with anyone but likes to listen more than talk.” Peter listened intently, knowing some of the information but not all. He looked over at the Ravenclaw table before down at his own food. “She’d like you, Pete. Go talk to her after dinner.” He smiled at Peter, trying to make it look genuine and not forcing it. 

“Don’t understand how you can keep track of everyone at Hogwarts.” Remus commented.

“Don’t be jealous, Moony, you’ll always be my main focus.” He winked, taking a drink of the water in front of him. He didn’t have it in him to tell Remus how that wasn’t the joke, Remus was always his main focus in some way. Hell, he had the full moon schedule memorized to keep track of how Remus would be feeling around the time of the full moon. He hadn’t had to look at the calendar in their dorm since third year. 

“Thanks Sirius, you know I live to always be on the forefront of your mind.” 

You don’t even have to try.

“Sirius, mate, I think they added something to the mash potatoes, they taste different.” James threw himself against Sirius. 

“Like what?” Sirius took a bite for himself. “James, they taste exactly the same.”

“Don’t say that like they’re not good.” Marlene put in. “Excuse you, Sirius Black, those potatoes are fantastic and you should be thanking every House Elf for making them. They did an exceptional job on them.”

“I didn’t say they weren’t good! They’re great! They just taste the same. I don’t know what you’re on mate, but I would love to have some of it.” James shrugged, going back to his own food. 

It took another forty minutes until Sirius realized that was just for him to eat.


	4. Hot Chocolate and Jumpers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda talk of suicide??? Disordered eating habits

Remus groaned, faintly feeling the arms around his middle tighten. His own arm was stretched around someone and a head laying over his heart. Opening his eyes, he sees curly hair sitting under his chin. 

Closing his eyes for a moment, trying to collect himself so early in the morning, Remus mumbled out “Sirius, what the fuck are you doing in my bed.”

“I got cold.” Sirius responded, clinging tightly to Remus like Remus was going to kick him out. Judging by how quickly Sirius responded, Remus knew Sirius wasn’t going back to sleep nor had been asleep. He would, however, stay in his haze of sleep until at least their second class today. 

“Why didn’t you join James?”

“He gets clingy.” Sirius said like he wasn’t holding Remus so tightly it was becoming difficult to breathe and had a leg over him, keeping Remus trapped. “And you run warmer.” 

Remus sighed, tapping Sirius’ shoulder for him to let him up. Remus collected his warmest jumper and a spare blanket, giving Sirius the two of them. While Sirius put it on, Remus got the invisibility cloak from James’ trunk. He nodded his head to the door, guiding him to the main room. Before opening the door to the halls, Remus slipped the cloak over the two of them and the blanket Sirius was partly buried in. 

He looked like a third year all over again. No lip ring, no visible tattoos, hair hanging over his face and his eyes soft. You never saw Sirius like that often, not even in first year. He always had a troublemaker grin, a look in his eyes that made you want to stay far away. There were no bags under his eyes and his clothes didn’t look like they were falling off of him. He was captivating, made to be admired from afar. 

After all, Sirius Black was like fire. He burned so brightly to keep others warm. Was passionate about things with such a love for it, he made you want to love it. Beauty and destruction all with the same face. He managed to make people forget that he can burn you. 

Or worse, that he can be put out. 

You’d never think it. From the way he talked during Quidditch matches, or about muggle inventions, or about Aerosmith and rock music in general, or even flowers ( that was an obsession Remus didn’t see coming ). You’d never think that someone who spoke about those things with such love and excitement could ever be diminished. Be pushed down until he was nothing but a few sparks. Until he couldn’t even pretend. 

For the first time in his life, Remus questioned if Sirius would do anything for him. If Remus asked right then and there, for Sirius to stay, would he?

James didn’t like thinking about the possibility. He always thought Sirius would come back to him. He always did, why would this time be different? Even when the two weeks past and Sirius was still picking at his food and was out on the roof more and more, James just said he needed more time. He’ll be alright. Sirius was still there. 

James didn’t want to think about the fact that they were losing him. This Sirius wasn’t the one who would finally take notes in class because Remus was too tired to and Sirius had the best handwriting of all of them. Who would play Quidditch for hours with James just because James wanted to; even though Sirius didn’t really like Quidditch. He wore everything Peter knitted for him, even if in the beginning it was itchy and fit weird. His Sirius would talk to anyone and everyone who wanted to talk. He knew something about almost everyone in the school, introduced himself to every first year. They always went to Sirius when they had a problem, adopting them all as his own little children. 

Remus wasn’t even sure if this Sirius would live if he asked him to. 

“Mister Lupin! Mister Black! We weren’t expecting you! Would you like anything?” Remus smiled at Penny. She was always the one to come up to them when they showed up at the kitchens in the middle of the night. 

“Hi Penny. Could we have some hot chocolate?” Remus looked over at Sirius, and thought back to breakfast when Sirius was half asleep and so much easier to get food into. “And maybe some chocolate éclairs if you have any.”

“Of course Mister Lupin!” Penny chipped happily. She and a few other elves went straight into the depths of the kitchen. 

Remus led Sirius over to a couch ( after many visits the house elves set up couches for the Marauders to sit on during their visits to the kitchens ). Sirius was still bundled up in Remus’ jumper and the blanket, no more awake than before. He leaned against Remus’ shoulder on the couch, staying as close as he dared. Sleepy Sirius was the one who reminded Remus most of second year Sirius. When he was so touch starved you could almost never go without Sirius somehow touching you. Whether it be an arm over your shoulder, or tugging on your arm when he saw a flower he liked, or even when he would climb into your bed in the middle of the night. When Sirius learned that it wasn’t normal to not receive any physical touch in a way that didn’t hurt, he became the biggest cuddler Remus had ever seen. 

He played with the ends of Sirius’ hair, knowing he’d lose him too quickly if he properly played with his hair. “How you feeling?”

“Cold.”

“Don’t worry, I see Penny coming with some hot chocolate and some éclairs.” The elf set them down on the table next to Remus, accepting Remus’ smile with one of her own before running off again. Remus set Sirius up, still holding him with one arm around the waist. 

Sirius took the mug of chocolate with careful hands, sipping quietly. Once he seemed content, he gave the mug back to Remus half filled. Remus in turn handed Sirius an éclair before going back to his own hot chocolate. 

He didn’t eat much of the éclair, nibbled on it more than anything before giving up. Remus was okay with the attempt, knowing that little bit was better than nothing. 

The two of them laid there for another hour. Sirius goes back to slowly drinking the hot chocolate, letting himself warm up with the liquid that spread through his chest. Remus knew that it would do nothing to bring back the fire within Sirius, but hoped selfishly that it would help bring back his Sirius. 

Then Sirius looked up at Remus, eyes glassy, and Remus felt the hope James put inside him dwindle.

“Remus,” he could feel a tear fall as his name broke on Sirius’ tongue. “I don’t know how longer I can do this. I don’t want to be here anymore.”


	5. French Braids

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. 

“Marlene, I swear to everything that is good, or evil, I don’t really care, if you tap your pen one more time, I will break you in half.” Lily huffed, flipping her hair out of her face to glare at her friend. Marlene looked up startled, but carefully set down her pen. 

Lily went back to her work, for all of five seconds, before a weight hit her sideways. She groaned, as her best friend dramatically laid on her. She tried to push the tan girl off of her, but she only held tight and whined. 

“Lily, my darling Lily, I’m bored.” She whined, dragging out the o. “Can we please go do something? Anything?”

“We have school work to do. Mary! Any help?” Marlene held on tightly, her chin digging into Lily’s sternum. Mary sat on the other side of the room, merely shaking her head to Lily, her eyes never leaving her drawing. Marlene never wanted to finish her school work, which explained her grades. It was always a fight for her to at least get something done and sometimes for Lily to do her own work. 

“But it’s Saturday Lily! I bet the boys aren’t doing anything. We can hang out with them.” 

“That’s because they don’t do schoolwork and want to fail.” Lily knew it wasn’t true. All four of the boys were smart, some in other aspects of school. However, Lily really wanted to finish her work today to be done with it. That way, her Sunday and Monday would be mostly free and she could spend time doing anything else. Maybe get some new makeup that she thinks Sirius would like, he looked like he needed a new eyeliner. Maybe spend some time with Severus, she hasn’t done that in awhile, or finally get around to making those cookies for Professor McGonagall. She missed the third year tea parties with Professor McGonagall and Mary. 

“Oh don’t say that like they’re not at the top of our year. Remus, who works his ass off. James, who is at the top of our year and does take school seriously; you’ve seen how much he helps with getting Sirius to do school work. Sirius who would be at the top of our year if he actually did do the work and didn’t half ass it.”

“I think saying he half asses it is being generous.”

“True. And Peter who somehow has every single plant memorized, like seriously, how the fuck does he just know every plant and how it can help or hurt you? One time, I was having a really bad acne day to the point where makeup wasn’t helping. He overheard me complaining, and later brought me this fucking waterdalia and balip blended together. Put it on my face, cleared it up so fucking quickly. I kept using it, and my acne is gone a week later.”

Lily paused, making a mental note in her mind to ask Peter for some later. Maybe she could make a photo collage for him to hang up. All four of those boys loved the last photo collage she made for them ( it is still hung up in the dorm to this day ). 

After a moment of consideration, Lily sighed, reached over, and closed her book. With a cheer, Marlene leaped off of Lily and ran down to the common area. Mary raised her head, a smile gracing her lips. She turned around the picture, a black and white sketch of what seemed to be Sirius with french braids in his hair. 

“He’d like that, wouldn’t he?” Mary nodded, going back to her picture. With a new smile, and an effort to make Sirius happy, Lily hurried down to the common area with her brush and hair ties. The boys were all sitting around, with a few others still in the common area. Marlene was chatting away with Remus, something to do with bands ( Marlene had been obsessed with a few new Indie bands that Remus seemed to know a lot about ). James and Peter were tossing a tied ball of yarn back and forth, each leaping from piece of furniture to furniture. 

Looking around for Sirius, she spotted him sitting with a new first year. A boy with a scarred cheek, and small smile. He was rather thin, all bones and skin. They had a plate of food between the two of them that the boy slowly munched on as Sirius painted the boy’s nails. A girl with braided hair came over, tugging on the boy’s sleeve, grabbed a grape from the plate, before smiling widely at Sirius. Sirius seemed to laugh at whatever the girl said. Based on the state of the braids, Lily inferred that Sirius did them himself. They didn’t look too bad, but he clearly hadn’t gotten much practice in braiding. 

The boy seemed pleased with his nails and ran off with the little girl, leaving Sirius to stare at the plate of food in front of him in question. Not willing to watch this play out and get her heart broken, Lily hurried over to him. “Sirius,” she pouted. 

His gaze snapped up from the food and a grin stretched along his lips. “Yes my dear Lily flower?”

“Can I braid your hair? I’ll let you do my makeup after.” Lily brought out her best puppy eyes ( even though everyone knew Sirius’ were better. They all had to build up a tolerance to it, and they all for the most part succeeded, except for Remus who Lily figured would never not fall victim to it ). 

Sirius quickly agreed, pulling himself up from the table to get some blankets and pillows. The two of them quickly build an area closer to the rest of the Marauders and Marlene ( Mary seemed to come down to the common room but sat in the corner and observed more than anything else. They let her, knowing she didn’t like being forced into social interaction if she didn’t choose to interact with them ). James looked up from the game he and Peter were playing, sending her a small smile. It seemed today was a good Sirius day. Maybe it wouldn't take two weeks this time. It was lasting longer than it had been the previous years, not as bad as the beginning of fourth year, from what she’s been told. 

Lily never really knew about how different Sirius acted at the beginning of years. Before, they were just kinda friends who got along and would tease each other. They didn’t become closer until right before Christmas in fourth year, and by then, Sirius had been better. He was back to being the Sirius she knew her as. Plus, at the beginning of fourth year she couldn’t really focus on anything other than her fights with Petunia. It had no longer been contained to be summer at home, instead having her sister mail her letters for their arguments. It was a constant stress of wondering if she would get another letter that would either make her cry or make or angry; or sometimes both. 

Peter stopped throwing the ball of yarn to collect the new blanket he made for Sirius, draping it over his shoulders, before promptly chucking the yarn at James’ head. Remus laughed, hitting the ball back when James turned against him. Marlene sneakily brought out a pen, pushing up the bottom of Remus’ pant to doodle on his ankle. 

Lily couldn’t stop the smile on her face when she spotted the dark green and purple nail polish on Remus’ nails that was too well done for Remus to possibly do himself. Remus caught Lily’s stare, looked down at his own fingers, before looking away with red blossoming across his cheeks.

“Lily,” Sirius whined. “My hair?” He stuck out his lip, making Lily coo and pinch his cheek teasingly. She sat on the couch and set him in between her legs so she had easy access to his hair. 

“Oh, so Christmas break, we’re all going on holiday together. Sound good?” James brought up, pulling out a new vinyl to put in. Not a Sirius vinyl, but one of Peter’s ( who apparently had similar music tastes to Marlene and Remus ). 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Remus asked, finally tearing his eyes from Sirius. 

“Shit, I didn’t tell you. Well, my aunt has this second house in France and my mum said that we can spend the holiday there if you are all interested. There’s five bedrooms, big house, nice area.”

Lily thought it would be fun. It would make it easier on her parents in that way as well, for her to just be away for a little while longer and not having to have to deal with her and Petunia fighting the whole time. 

“I’ll talk to my parents, but it sounds great.” Lily tugged a bit too harshly on Sirius’ hair, wincing in sympathy. “Sorry.” He shrugged, closing his eyes again and relaxing. “Would it be the whole Christmas break?”

“Well I don’t see why not. Let me know if all of your parents are okay with it and I’ll owl my aunt.”

The group agreed, Marlene mentioning that she’d tell Alice ( as Alice was a traitor who would rather spend her Saturday on a date than with her very good and dear friends ). They talked about little things, debating on types of music, watching as Peter and James terribly tried to paint each other nails and smudges being all around their fingers. 

Lily tied the second braid, kissing the top of Sirius’ head before releasing him. “All done. You look wonderful.”

“Thanks Lils. Make up time?”

Lily liked happy Sirius.


	6. Femininity and Butterbeer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> USE OF THE GAY F SLUR. HOMOPHOBIA  
>  And Sirius doing things that can be considered more feminine because that’s what he likes and in this story he’s more than just the stereotypical hyper masculine manwhore who flirts with every girl and only wears leather jackets.

Professor McGonagall walked slowly around the room as everyone worked in pairs. It took five minutes of convincing, but Sirius and Remus were able to work together. Mary was sick and there was no one else that Sirius could work with that he wouldn’t start trouble with. Sirius knew that him and James partnering up in class would never happen. That was an explosion waiting to happen. 

Sirius could see Linn, a Ravenclaw, looking over at him multiple times through the lesson. He tried his best to ignore it, instead focusing on cheating off of Remus’ paper. ( Remus had horrid handwriting, making it very difficult for Sirius to copy ). 

The constant staring was annoying. Sirius was used to staring, but not this kind. Well, not at school he wasn’t used to it. At school he was used to the staring that would happen when someone thought he was good looking. This however, this is how his family looked at him. A mix of annoyance and disgust. He could tell by the frequent glances and the way she would frown. 

He tried to remember any pranks against her or the other Ravenclaws, but him and the boys hadn’t played any pranks since the end of fourth year. Even then, it was a harmless prank, just to help everyone relax and have fun as they all finally finished finals. 

Remus squeezed his shoulder, just a small gesture to show that he noticed and that he was right there, before returning to his work. He didn’t argue with Sirius that he shouldn’t copy, Remus never did. Only Lily and James were really against him cheating off of them and even then sometimes James would let him. Depends on the subject. 

James liked Sirius doing his own work, thought it would make Sirius proud if he got a good grade on it or something. Lily just wanted Sirius to do good in class in general. She worried about his future in a way that reminded Sirius of how a parent should be. She wanted all of her friends to be happy and successful in whatever they wanted to do. In Lily’s mind, that meant doing school work. 

By the end of class, Sirius’ nerves were on edge with the amount the girl would look at him. As people made their way out of class, Sirius walked over to Linn. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” He finally asked. Sirius grinded his jaw in a way he knew made him look pissed and scary. He once made the same face to Lily when she was telling off James and she shut up and ran off. It took three days till she finally told him how intimidating he looked then.

Linn paused, like she didn’t realize Sirius saw her constantly look over at him. He raised an eyebrow, and she sighed. “Every girl in this school drools over you, when you’re obviously a f*g.”

“What?”

“The braids, makeup, painted nails. That’s all girl stuff, and frankly, you’re disgusting for doing any of it.”

“And you’re disgusting for spreading hate.” A voice next to him spoke. Remus stepped in front of Sirius. It was the first time Sirius ever had someone step in front of him, that was his place. “Do you even fucking hear yourself? Feminine traits have nothing to do with sexuality and even if he was attracted to someone of the same gender, that’s none of your damn business. When it comes down to it, he’ll have more girls and guys after him than you’ll ever have looking at you, so take that toxic ass mindset somewhere I won’t have to see it.” 

Linn flushed pink, grabbing her bag and walking out of the classroom. 

Sirius felt paralyzed. He hadn’t considered anything he wore or did particularly wrong. He’d heard it was wrong before, from his parents though so he wanted to do it more. He had never given much thought to his sexuality. He liked who he liked and that was that. It was never a big deal for him. He liked people, and that just blended into platonic, romantic, or sexual relationships. 

“Sirius? Are you okay?”

“I-. Yeah, yeah I’m good. Just haven’t heard anyone say that in awhile. C’mon, we had plans for today.”

Together, the two boys snuck out to Hogsmeade village. Sirius wanted to pick up a new pack of cigarettes ( James threw away his old pack and he went through the other two too quickly since he chose to share them with Marlene and Mary ). 

They each ordered a butterbeer from the Three Broomsticks. Remus spoke about his mum and all the new flowers she had planted and the movies she wanted to go see during the summer while Remus was home. Sirius liked observing Remus. With others, he liked to talk, but with Remus it was nice to just watch him and what he was like. He was fascinating, always. When he spoke about his summer or a new band he found or even why he doesn’t like certain colors. 

Sirius knew that Remus needed to get away from the castle. He always became restless when the full moon came closer. This time though, they could help him. He wouldn’t be alone during the moon anymore, all of them would be there for him. 

Sirius had wanted to look into becoming an animagus since he saw McGonagall turned into a cat but never fully invested until he researched more about werewolves. Apparently, werewolves are better with animals around them. They aren’t harmful with animals like they are with humans, with animals they are more in a normal state of mind. That pushed Sirius to show James and Peter his idea. James had started to talk with Professor McGonagall about animagi ( animaguses? ) and putting his excellent Transfiguration skills to work. 

“Sirius?”

“Hmm?”

“You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but, shit. When that girl called you a…” Remus chewed on his lower lip. Sirius wanted to tell him to stop it, that he’d split his lip right open if he continued to do that. 

“I’ve heard it before, it’s just normally from my parents. I’m still me, Re, you know that. It might hurt, but your opinion of me matters a lot more than hers.” Remus nodded, taking another drink of the butterbeer. He seemed to hesitate on what to say, like he thought Sirius was fragile. Maybe in a few ways he was. He can understand why Remus thought that. 

With how he acts after summer break, he can understand why Remus always walked on eggshells around him at times. But things were better now, not great, as far as his friends know, but better. He isn’t constantly sitting on the roof and dying isn’t on his mind all day. That must count for something. 

It wasn’t like he was completely oblivious to how he makes his friends nervous after break. Hell, he remembers telling Remus how he wanted things to end. There’s a piece of him who still holds that thought, but at the moment, when it’s just him, Remus, and two butterbeers, he feels like his head is higher than the waves. For a moment he can swim. Like there’s actually a reason not to let himself drown. 

“I think you’re perfect as you are, with or without makeup or nail polish or your hair done. Whatever makes you happy makes you perfect.” 

“Then I guess I’m perfect when I’m around you.”


	7. Fine Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm. Not heavily, but burning.

Remus didn’t know who brought in the disco lights, but they glared in his eyes. He was usually more involved in Gryffindor parties, but not with the full moon only a few days away. The days leading up to the full moon were never bad, besides for a few bursts of anger and having a more ravenous appetite, it was always the days after that were the worst. His energy was always zapped afterwards, with new injuries on his skin, making him spend a day or two in the hospital wing. 

“You just gonna stand there?” He looked over, a smile curling at his lips as he took in Sirius’ appearance. His flushed cheeks, wild hair, and the beads of sweat dripping down his face. The smile is effortless as Remus watched the color of Sirius’ eyes disappear beneath his dilating pupil. “C’mon, come dance with me.”

He had been watching Sirius out there for most of the night. Dancing with Marlene, anywhere between slowly dancing, dancing at a distance, or even dancing sharply together. Remus knew it didn’t mean anything. Other students had tried to convince the two that they would be great together, but they were too much alike. As far as Remus could see, Marlene was the girl version of Sirius ( or vice versus ). Sirius was also white while Marlene was half mexican, but practically the same personality. It was kinda scary how similar they actually were. 

“No thanks Sirius. I’m not really up for dancing, with the whole full moon coming up.” Sirius deflated, pulling up his thinking face. A smile overtook him, taking Remus’ hand into his own. “Marlene will be very upset that you left her alone on the dance floor.”

“She can dance with Alice. Follow me.”

Remus shook his head but followed Sirius through the door. He didn’t know how McGonagall hasn’t been called about the party, but somehow she hasn’t come to break it up. Catching sight of Peter dancing with Analise, one of the few Ravenclaws who were invited. It wasn’t often that someone from another house came to a Gryffindor party. He could however see Narcissa Black, a seventh year Slytherin, dancing against Mary MacDonald. 

He really didn’t expect that, but he would accept it anyday. 

Since Sirius wasn’t throwing a fit, Remus guessed that he probably invited Narcissa. With Lucius finally graduated, Narcissa has finally let go a little bit. So much so that she and Sirius got along fairly well. From what he’s seen, they have even smoked together. 

“Are we really going up to the astronomy tower?” 

“Well you don’t like the roof, and honestly I’m not sure if I could safely stand on the roof, so we’re… we’re going to the astronomy tower.”

Sirius giggled, pulling harder on Remus’ hand. He wondered for another time that night exactly how much Sirius had to drink, but at least it seemed like he was having fun. He did wish that he wasn’t just happy when he was drunk off his ass, but progress was progress. Sirius had always been a happy drunk, even when they were third years and drank a bottle of stolen fire whiskey. 

When they got to the top of the tower, Sirius staggered but retained his footing. Remus guided him to sit down, a little nervous of Sirius being by the edge but not willing to take him away from the tower. He didn’t want to take the smile away, not when it seemed like it was just coming back. 

“Careful, alright. You’re so fucking drunk.”

Sirius laughed, leaning his head against Remus’ shoulder. “A little, yeah.” Sirius hummed, shifting and sliding a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. “Is it okay if I smoke by you?”

“Yeah, Sirius, it’s okay.”

Sirius still leaned away from him, both to light the cigarette and to actually smoke. The moon barely gave them any light, but Remus could still see Sirius, he could always see Sirius. The way he tipped his head back before letting the smoke release between his lips. Pieces of hair brushing back in front of his eyes when putting his head down again. Slender fingers holding the stick, wearing the Aerosmith tank top ( it was a tee shirt until Sirius cut off the sleeves ), showing off his many tattoos he’s collected since last year. 

It was the way he balanced himself in between a world of happiness and sadness. Between love and hate. The way he was either quiet or loud. Sirius walked a line between self destruction and self restoration. 

Sirius walked a line Remus could never balance on. 

Remus had seen his mom smoke all the time, and he could see a difference between her and Sirius. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason, but he knew there was one. The most startling difference was the way Sirius put it out. Almost like Sirius forgot Remus was there, he brought the cigarette down to the inside of his arm. 

“Sirius what the fuck!” His head snapped up, eyes sparkling. He looked so innocent, like he wasn’t holding a burning cigarette to his skin. Remus grabbed it, tossing it off of the tower before taking Sirius’ arm in his hand. “Episkey.” Looking back at Sirius, he saw the frown on his red bitten lips. “Don’t look at me like that. There’s a lot of self destruction that I let you get away with, but you burning yourself? No, I can’t do that.” 

“Sorry Re.” Sirius whispered. “I don’t like making you sad. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“No. No no no. I love you.” His words were slurred, leaning forward and putting his forehead against Remus’ shoulder. “Love you so much. I… sometimes I forget… I forget how much I hate myself because of how much I love you. James… he’s great, my brother, my soulmate… but I love you.”

Remus wanted to respond, but he couldn’t even if he wanted to. He had to catch Sirius before he fell off the roof because apparently sleeping sounded better than continuing to talk to Remus. He didn’t take anything Sirius said seriously, no matter his name. He always rambled when drunk. It would hurt less if he didn’t believe anything Sirius said while drunk. 

“Yeah, I love you too, but you’ll never love me in the way I want you too.”


	8. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self harm, talk of self harm, and talked of suicide ( kinda )

The splitting headache really shouldn’t come as a surprise anymore to Sirius. He’d only been going to these Gryffindor parties for years, not like he’d gotten drunk more times than there had been cases of incest in his family ( the number really should be zero ). This time, though, the headache wasn’t just from the alcohol. 

Someone really needed to start casting a silencing charm on him. 

The memories came like a wave washing over his head. All at once, filling his lungs and dragging him down. They choked him, reminded him of why he was a mess. Hell, it was bad enough it was a guy, but his best mate? What the fuck. Bad enough to know it, but going off and declaring his love to Remus like he wouldn’t hate Sirius now? Like he wouldn’t look at him as an ugly creature? 

Sirius stumbled to the bathroom, in luck that every one of his dorm mates were heavy sleepers ( Sirius would never understand how James could sleep through the explosion one of the first years caused in the common room that caused everyone needing to evacuate as no spells were putting out all the fires two years ago ). 

He wished the mirror would be kinder to him. Not show the bags under his eyes or his cracked lips or the way his eyes held nothing. He was tired of it. The filling nothing. The way it ceased his mind, no true happiness or anger or sadness. It was just… nothing. No matter what the tears cascading down his cheeks said, or the heavy weight on his heart, he couldn’t feel anything. 

The mirror showed him something else, something that he’d forgotten about in the panic of professing his love. An angry circle sitting on his forearm. A small blister encasing the irritated skin. A hiss escaped him when he gingerly touched the skin. He pressed a little harder, transfixed. 

Not truly thinking, only acting on impulse, Sirius thought back to the razors Peter and Remus shaved with ( wasn’t like they had much to shave anyways but whatever made them feel better ). The pack of blades sat in the cabinet, like they were nothing. Sirius wished he could say he hesitated more than he did, but he didn’t. He only grabbed the pack and took one out. The only hesitation was over his arm. It didn’t stop him, but the hesitation was enough for him to remove his pants and pull up his underwear, having access to his upper thigh. 

A shaking breath pushed through his lungs, toes curling as he pushed the sharp blade deeper. It wasn’t hard, not with a new one. His lips pressed themselves into a firm line as he watched the skin open up. It wasn’t a long cut, only an inch or two, but it still bleed. 

It flowed down his leg, a river of red. He was hypnotized, recreating the original multiple times. Watching the poison drain from him, slowly but surely. A point to focus on, no longer floating aimlessly, finally a tether to bring him back to earth. 

Several bangs on the door brought Sirius out of the moment. “Hurry the fuck up Pads!” James yelled. “Some of us would like to get a shower in before class!”

Sirius mumbled a small curse, wiping the blood off the blade, then the ground, before tying a bandage around his leg. He didn’t return the blade to the original place, instead putting on his pants and tucking it inside the pocket. 

“All yours mate,” Sirius patted James on the shoulder on his way out. He spotted Remus, finishing tying his tie. He thought Remus would make a face of disgust at him, or even say something, but he only sent a tight lip smile before getting his books together. 

Oh. This was worse. 

Pretending it never happened, but there is still discomfort between them. Remus instead sat with Peter, Alice, and Frank at breakfast. He didn’t ask to work with Sirius during class, Sirius and Mary worked together like normal. He studied with Lily instead of eating lunch with him. He didn’t protest Sirius abandoning them for a smoke, only looked down at his arm when he came back, like he was worried he put the cigarette out on his arm again ( he did, but why would it matter to Remus? He was the one ignoring Sirius ). 

He didn’t even walk next to Sirius in the corridor. 

If James and Peter could feel the shift, they didn’t say anything. Nobody said anything about it. Nobody talked about how Remus and Sirius disappeared in the middle of the party, or how Remus carried Sirius back to the dorms. Nobody talked about the party at all ( or the fact that apparently Narcissa and Mary started to make out? Was no one going to relay this important information to him? ). 

Sirius went to bed empty, but knowing that the comfort sat in the drawer next to him. 

He hoped Remus would be back to normal the next day, or even the day after that. It was when he didn’t even pass the plate of toast when Sirius asked for some that he lost it. The boy stepped over the table, ignoring any out cries at the action, and grabbed Remus by the sleeve of his robes. 

Sirius knew that a contest of anger between the two of them would not go well, especially with the full moon being tomorrow and Remus’ emotions all being dialed to anger, but he didn’t fucking care. Remus tried to pull back but Sirius only shot him a glare and pulled harder. 

The stares as they left the Great Hall felt like nothing, nothing like the anger coursing through his veins. He ignored Remus just like he’d ignored him for the past three days all the way to the prefects bathroom. He didn’t care that he wasn’t supposed to be in there, Remus was a prefect and that was good enough for him. 

“What the fuck was that?” Remus immediately said. 

“Oh so you do speak to me? Hasn’t felt like it these past few days. Are we just not going to talk about what happened?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Sirius threw his hands up, pushing his hair back like it was actually in his way. A mocking laugh followed by a biting smile. “You don’t know what I’m talking about? And I thought I was the drunk one that night. I was drunk, but not enough to black out. I fucking remember.”

He could see the way Remus’ jaw flex, but he didn’t fucking care about Remus getting angry, not now. Not if he was going to ignore Sirius and what happened. He’d rather know where he stood, even if Remus did hate him now, than be ignored. Maybe a wired part of his brain needing that after all the shit his parents have said to them. At least they didn’t ignore him, they let him know how much they hated and were disgusted by him. 

“Really? You’re not going to say anything? C’mon, I know you remember. Let’s fucking talk about what happened.”

Sirius would swear he saw Remus stop breathing. “Really? You wanna talk about what happened? Alright, lets talk about the fact I saw you put out a cigarette on your fucking arm! Or how you said you fucking hated yourself! Lets talk about how everytime you go and take a smoke I wonder if you’re putting it out that same way, if you always have. How many scars do you have from that, Sirius? Hmm? How many are from your mom, and then tell me, how many are from you? Nothing? You have nothing to say now? You wanted to talk so much a second ago.” 

“Don’t turn this around on me.”

“Don’t turn it around on you? Sirius, all of this is about you! You say and do these things like they have no impact on me! You act like saying that you act yourself, that you don’t know how much longer you can keep doing this has no impact! It’s not a casual thing, Sirius! Wanting to die isn’t a normal fucking thing. You are scaring me. I don’t know how much you say is true. Why should we talk about what you want to talk about? Sirius, I love you. I love you, and it’s killing me to watch you walk this line. This line between self destruction and getting better.” Sirius broke, looking away, not quite being able to look at Remus anymore. Not when he’s picking apart every bad habit Sirius has. 

Remus paused, like he finally saw Sirius for the first time. “You’re not getting better, are you? You’re just getting better at pretending you are, so James, and Peter, and Lily, and me stop worrying. You know all about the two week rule, and you let yourself be you for those two weeks before you put on another act.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want you to apologize! I want you to tell me what you need from me to help you! I don’t care if you want James to help or Lily or even fucking McGonagall, just, please get help Sirius. I don’t want there to be an empty bed in our dorm just because you think no one will care. I care, Sirius.” 

“But I don’t. I don’t care about my life, Remus, and that’s why I’m sorry, because I know you do care.”


	9. Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of self harm

Regulus wasn’t good at talking. He didn’t know how to make his words flowery, didn’t know how to structure a sentence in a way to make it sound charming. That was never what he was good at. He was good at watching people, the small tik in their jaw or the way their eyes moved. 

He wasn’t good at confrontation. Always seeing the problem but not knowing how to go to them about it. For most of his life, people thought he was mute from the small amount he would speak. He was never an actor, only art, against the wall and seeing everyone. A pretty piece for people to see but never actually care about. 

Sirius was right in that aspect, Regulus supposed. Nobody actually cared, as long as you stood there quietly and looked pretty. 

He found Sirius by the Black Lake late into the night. Narcissa had seen him go out there and thought Regulus should go speak to him. Regulus didn’t see the point, it wasn’t like Sirius wanted to talk to him at all. Well, Sirius didn’t want to speak to anyone, not even his friends. Now he’s seen him laughing along to jokes, making some of his own, and wearing a proud smirk when pulling pranks. He’s seen the way his brother looked at Lupin, a look softer than any of them got, Regulus included. It looked painful to tear his eyes away, like he’d never be able to look at Lupin again. 

What was even worse, was how Lupin looked at his brother. Like he was the sun, too bright to look at directly but made everything around him shine, while he burned. He looked at Sirius like he was something to fixed, and it was obvious Lupin knew something Regulus didn’t, about his brother. More than the disgusting smoking habit, darkening his lungs. 

Narcissa commented on it before, smoking her own cigarette at the time, how fucking fast Sirius smoked. 

“He smokes like he wants to pull every ounce of poison from it before it burns.” 

That’s the only thing Regulus could think of when approaching Sirius, taking a seat next to his brother as Sirius took a long pull from the cigarette dangling between his fingers. 

“Narcissa says you smoke fast.” 

Sirius blew out the smoke, eyes following the grey cloud till it disappeared into the air. “She says a lot of things.”

They sat in silence again, neither willing to say the first word. There wasn’t much to be said. Sirius knew Regulus could see too much, he always did. He also knew Regulus wouldn’t say shit about it. Regulus could see everything, and he could see that if this went on there wouldn’t be much of Sirius left. 

He thought his friends could put the pieces of him back together, but maybe this year was different. This year, there wasn’t enough of him to come back. 

“Will you be coming home this year?” Regulus didn’t know what he wished the answer to be. He wanted his brother home, but knew that that house was torture for Sirius. The way his eyes dimmed, glazed over whenever he was near their parents. His body and mind was no longer manual but simply on autopilot. He wasn’t a person at home, not anymore.

“No.”

The air was knocked out of Regulus’ lungs. He knew the answer, but it still hurt to hear. He didn’t know where Sirius would go, he just hoped he’ll see his brother when the next school year starts. He has to, Sirius has to hold on. At least one of them has to survive that house and come out of it better. Sirius, he has a chance. As long as he runs, he’ll survive. 

“Why not?”

“I’d rather die on my own terms than to be killed by mother.”

“She wouldn’t kill you.”

Sirius laughed, wincing for a second as he put the cigarette out on his arm. Regulus didn’t stop him, he was frozen. His laugh was humorless, more sad than anything. 

“You have too much faith in her, Reggie. You have a bit too much faith in everyone.”

“I need to, I have to when my own brother won’t even look at me anymore.” His jaw locked up, fingers tugging on the grace instead of looking towards Regulus. Regulus grinded his jaw, wanted to grab him. He wanted to grab Sirius and scream at him that he has to continue, he can’t stop running, he has to be the one to survive. He was always the strong one, the one who always fought back, who didn’t let the waves push him under. Regulus was never meant to survive that home, but Sirius was always supposed to. “ Look at me Sirius! I can… please stop.”

“What do you care? I was dead to you as soon as my colors became red and gold.”


	10. The Next.

Talk of self harm, f slur ( homophobia / internalized homophobia )  
Sirius pulled Remus up, James helping support Remus’ other side. Together, they laid him on the bed. For the first full moon all together, it went well. They were all there when the werewolf tried to hurt himself, and overall they all seemed to calm his nerves throughout the night. It was the hours before that were torture, Remus’ pains and the aches and the way he would curl in on himself before stretching out, repeating the same movements because they all hurt. 

“I think he likes us being here,” James commented once they got Remus comfortable. Sirius could see the bags under James’ eyes, the weight pressing down on his shoulders. He was as tired as Sirius. They had read that the more they shifted, the easier it would get but for now, it was hard and tiring. “You know, it’s interesting how even in that form, we carry physical traits on us. Like how McGonagall has her glasses even as a cat.”

Sirius eyed James suspiciously, knowing he had to be going somewhere with that voice. James didn’t look at him, he stayed staring at Remus, clenching his jaw in a way that for anyone else would mean they were angry, for James it meant that he was trying to keep himself together to not cry and figure out his wording. 

Finally, Sirius sighed. “James, mate, spit it out. What are you getting at?”

“The red mark on your legs, when you were a dog.”

He froze, only for a second. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice was cold, void of emotion. 

James turned quickly, a fire burning in his eye that Sirius hadn’t seen in awhile. “That is such bullshit. I’m not playing this game with you, Sirius. We both know what’s going on. I’m not ignoring this anymore. I know this year is harder but why? Why is it harder than normal?” Sirius broke, he looked away, feeling his teeth dig into the inside of his lip. “Sirius! Look at me! We have to talk about this.”

A weight pressed against his chest, a pit forming deeper and deeper as he was confronted. “Fuck talking. I don’t want to talk. Talking only ruins everything.. I mean, I told Remus I loved him and he ignored me. I told him I loved and he wouldn’t even talk to me.”

“HE IGNORED YOU BECAUSE YOU BURNED YOURSELF IN FRONT OF HIM! THERE ARE BIGGER THINGS GOING ON THAN BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP! He doesn’t want to be with you if it could cause you greater harm while being in this mindset. That will help no one. Sirius, you’re getting worse, and I don’t want to find you bleeding in the bathroom.”

“What would it matter? I have nothing going for me. I do shitty in my classes, I’m a f*g, I have no idea what I want my future to be. I can’t see it, I can’t see my future, James. I don’t want it. I hate the thought of being stuck, of being in one place. I hate all possibilities. I can’t see a life pass this moment. I don’t… I don’t want it. I don’t want to live, when will you and Remus get that through your heads?”

“Don’t say that like we’re the only ones who care. Peter tries, but we both know he’ll never verbalize it. I care, Remus cares, Peter cares, Lily cares, McGonagall cares, Marlene cares, Mary cares, Alice cares, Regulus cares. Sirius, please, I know you can’t see past it but trust me, if you can’t live for yourself then lie for me. Just one more day.”

“I’m not talking about this right now. Okay? Not right now, please. I’m gonna go, have to finish Remus’ potions assignment.” 

Sirius turns away, seeing James’ eyes watering up. 

“You’re a coward, Sirius, a coward.”

He froze, then continued walking. All the way back to the castle, even with his eyes stinging with tears. He didn’t even care when he was alone in the halls, with anymore able to confront him. It wasn’t like they actually all stayed out of the halls. It was well known that Filch and Mrs. Norris never visited the prefect bathrooms. 

He entered them quickly, trying to disappear just for a moment. He froze when he heard the laughing. He saw the flick of blonde and black hair befoe anything else. 

“Hey look guys, it’s little Sirius.” Sirius rolled his eyes, Rosier was’t worth his time. “C’mere Black, come join us.” 

Nott pushed off his position next to the sink, strolling over to Sirius and bringing him closer to the group. Narcissa suddenly looked uncomfortable, shifting slightly but not objecting. Rosier smiled sharply, examining his face. “You alright there Black? Looking a little unsteady.”

“How sweet, you care about my well being.” He looked to Narcissa, who looked at him like she looked at everything. Like he was a puzzle, each time a different size with new pieces that would lead her to a solid picture of the situation. “You three having a good time?”

“Oh just great. You know Sirius, I was thinking about it, how is your time in Gryffindor? I can imagine it being awkward in the dorms, all your mates must know that you want a peek. Does Lupin know? Oh I bet he does, he must know with how you look at him. Won’t be surprised with how he looks at you, a f*g he is.”

“Shut up,” his voice darkened, grounding his jaw.

“Why should I? I’m right. But at the end of the day, even with you being disgusting, you have a chance with a girl, with the bloke’s scars he’ll never have a chance.”

His fist was swinging before he could process it. Narcissa gasped, pushing herself up and away. Rosier stumbled back, nose bleeding. Nott rushed in, taking a swing for himself at Sirius. Pain blossomed against his cheek, not taking a second to process it before barrelling into Nott. Narcissa was screaming for Rosier to let go of her, but Sirius didn’t pay her any mind, wrapped up witht eh fight with Nott. 

There was a sick satisfaction with the way blood poured from his nose and the cut on his eyebrow, but it ended quickly when Sirius landed on his back. He groaned in pain, not given a second before Nott was on his waist, taking swing after swing. 

His vision was going blurry, not longer seeing, no collection of time. It could be a minute or an hour, he could only feel the building of pain and blood on his skin. One moment, Nott was on top of him, in the next Narcissa was at his side, cursing. The next, Mary was staring down at him, carefully combing through his hair. She looked concerned. The next, James was yelling and swearing at someone. The next, darkness.


	11. Hospital Wing

James shifted in his chair again, the fifth time in the last twenty minutes. He had already finished all of his and Remus' assignments. He had also re-copied his notes and made them better for Sirius, even though Sirius would probably never use them. James knew the only reason why he was allowed to stay next to Sirius' bed is because they didn't have class. Remus was a few beds down, still sleeping, unaware of everything that happened after the full moon. 

Peter stayed with Remus. It was agreed that this arrangement would be best, for whoever woke up first. Lily and Marlene visited in the morning but left after only twenty minutes. Madame Promphy didn't want many in the hospital wing when Sirius woke up. James was fairly sure that he saw Regulus look in before leaving quickly. 

Regulus was always that way. To be curious but never often act on that curiosity. One of the differences between the Black brothers that stood out to James the most. Where Sirius will actively find out information on his own, Regulus preferred to live in his curiosity rather than facing the repercussions of what it may take to find answers.

Even that thought only entertained James for a few moments.

Lily had brought in a book for James to read, it laid untouched. He wasn't sure he could read it. He knew whatever was going on in Sirius' head was happening, but reading the book felt like it would make it real. It would tell James signs he should've caught so long ago. 

He wasn't sure Sirius would accept his parents' offer to stay with them. It was an offer made every year, but Sirius always turned it down. He couldn't leave Regulus. 

James didn't know if he had it in him to let Sirius go back to that house again. He was sure that this time, this year, it would actually kill him. 

Muttering a muffling charm around them, James let out the sigh he'd been holding. "Sirius... fuck." Eyes squeezed shut, in an effort to keep the tears at bay. "I remember when we first met. You were such a brat, going around and pissing off the teachers, your family. You completely lived to just spite everyone. I couldn't tell if you hated everyone or just wanted to have some fun. I guess in a way, for you, it was both. Then your mother sent you a letter, a few months into school. I've never seen you look so afraid. Your face went deathly pale, I thought you were about to be sick. Peter thought you were dying for a second. 

"You were so fucking quiet after that. You still smiled and laughed, but you were quiet. No one really knew what to do. Did I ever tell you that McGonagall asked me about you? She was concerned, she's always been concerned about all of us. I know she's asked you about me once, for whatever reason at the time." James removed his glasses, rubbing at his eyes. "I don't think you understand how much we care about you. We all do, and we're all worried. Please, please SIrius, for once in your damn life, let one of us help you. Talk to whoever you need to talk to, I don't care who. Just... I want my best friend back, and I really, really, don't want to have to sneak into your funeral. We all know your parents wouldn't invite me. Reg would probably sneak me in. Doesn't matter though, right? Because you're going to ask and accept help. Right Sirius?"

James didn't expect an answer, and he didn't get one. Sirius laid there, eyes closed, face bruised. 

His head turned to the tapping of heels. Professor McGonagall walked in swiftly, eyes glancing to Sirius before focusing her attention onto James. "Mr. Potter, as wonderful as it is to see you and Mr. Pettigrew wait for your friends, don't you think it's time to get dinner." It didn't sound like a question.

"I'm really not hungry, Professor."

He hadn't been hungry since he saw Sirius, face bloody and eyes unfocused. Seeing James but not processing. Not since realizing this was his own fault. James had scared him, and so Sirius went to look for a place to hide away. He should've been more careful with the topic, he should've taken into account Sirius' own feelings towards it. It was something sensitive, not something to be thrown into Sirius' face.

McGonagall frowned, "No matter how hungry you are, you must come to dinner. You need some kind of food in you, especially as you weren't at breakfast. Mrs. Roland has excused you from quidditch practice, but you still need your strength." At James' blank stare, she sighed. "What's wrong?"

"Sirius—"

"No, Mr. Potter, I did not ask what is wrong with Sirius. What's wrong with you? He may be your best friend, but he is not your entire life."

James curled in on himself, trying to think back to a moment where he hadn't worried about Sirius or Remus or Peter. That's who he was, he was the one who worried about everyone else. After all, they faced more problems than James, who was he to complain? 

Professor McGonagall was not fazed by the silence, simply waited for an answer. "Just a little stressed, between classes and OWLS and quidditch and trying to make sure everyone is alright. Just a lot at once, I suppose."

"Your friends' happiness should not depend on you. I advise you to set out your priorities and focus on them, as well as your own happiness. No one expects you to be perfect. Not the perfect student nor friend nor quidditch player." He quickly brushed away the tear trailing down his cheek.

"But I want to be," James admitted in a small voice. 

"Your expectations of yourself are set too high. No one is perfect, not in any way. Trying to achieve perfection will ensure that you will never live a happy life. Strive for happiness, and only then will you find success." Professor McGonagall adjusted the stack of papers on the table next to Sirius, all set in piles of what papers belong to who, all with James' handwriting. "Now Mr. Potter, it is time for dinner."


	12. Dark Beauty

Her laugh wasn’t a melody, it didn’t inspire someone to write a song about it. It made people smile and laugh along, to bask in whatever made her happy. There was something about the way Marlene laughed, the way she did it with no care and never tried to hide it. No matter how serious a situation was, if Marlene found it funny, she laughed. 

She went about life with a grace Sirius was never able to possess. People moved out of her way, not the other way around. Sirius doesn’t think that he’d ever seen her with smudge makeup, not even after her snogging session with the quiet Hufflepuff girl. Or the one with the posh Ravenclaw boy. 

“How do you do it?” He remembers asking, one night when she convinced him to go down to the Black Lake. Apparently she liked the way the sun melted into the water, when the golden glow faded into darkness. 

At the time, Marlene only smiled and tossed her head back, looking at the night sky as stars filled the black space. “Do what?”

“Live so freely.”

If she heard the way his voice cracked, she didn’t comment on it. 

“It’s hard, at times, to remind myself that others’ opinions don’t matter. I do what I love and everything else can fuck off. I’ve found that when people think you don’t care, they won’t bother you with things as much. I also like to surround myself with people who like to do things I like to do. Lily will go down to the kitchens with me to get a bunch of food. James doesn’t care what time it is, he’s always up to go to the quidditch pitch. Remus will listen to me ramble about the history of different wizarding wars. And you’ll go to the lake with me to watch the sunset, because you find that beautiful instead of tragic.”

She turned over, looking through the darkness at Sirius. “I really wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” she whispered. “You see the beauty in things that should be sad, and I wish you could see the beauty in you.”

The only beauty Sirius had ever seen was the physical aspects that seemed so meaningless when surrounded by people like Marlene. 

“Do others see their own beauty?”

“Some. It’s hard to always see what is beautiful about ourselves, but I know that I make people laugh. I’m passionate about things, and I love the things and people I want to. I’m very open minded. These are the things that I love about myself, and maybe one day I’ll find more. People can love you without you loving yourself, but I don’t think you can be happy if you can’t find one thing to love about yourself.” She smiled sadly, no more than a tight lipped smile. “And I’m sorry, but you have to wake up now, Sirius.”

“What?”

“Wake up Sirius.”

A bright light shone in his eyes, almost convincing him to close them right away. He doesn’t know why he didn’t, but the hand holding his was enough for him to decide to keep them open. Turning his head to the right, he could make out Remus sitting in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs, head leaning on his own shoulder and drool on the side of his mouth. 

To his right, James had his head next to Sirius’ knee, completely asleep, glasses still on his face and hair unruly. 

Eyes snapping to the footsteps entering the room, Sirius raised the hand that wasn’t holding Remus’ to silence Peter. He froze, but then slowly nodded and walking towards Sirius. He ruffled his hair, smiling sadly at him before taking a seat besides James. Sirius smiled in thanks, deciding that Remus and James needed more sleep than they probably got. Even if they were sleeping in uncomfortable hospital chairs and Remus was sure to have a sore neck when he woke. 

His eyes slid back over to Remus, eyes tracing the scars on his face. The one on his lip, almost like a lip ring. The one just above his eyebrow. The thick pink one on his cheek, above where a dimple would be. 

‘You see the beauty in things that should be sad.’

Remus’ scars had never been sad to Sirius. How he collected them was scars, but the scars themselves were beautiful as they were a part of Remus, and Remus had always been beautiful. Back when he was actually shorter than Sirius, and didn’t like to sneak out when it was late, or even go to bed too late. He had still kept their room clean. That Remus was just as beautiful as this one. The one who had a few inches over Sirius, who planned out a majority of their pranks, and let the hurricane of mess cover their room until they all learned that they hated how it was and then they all kept it clean. Remus had always been beautiful, and anyone who ever thought the scars were a reason for him to be considered anything but could peacefully find their way to the bottom of the Black Lake with a weight tied around them. 

He was especially beautiful when he was waking up. Eyes blinking open, like he didn’t remember ever closing them. A stray hand wiping away the drool, blinking away the sleep that kept him in a haze. The smile that stretched across his face when he realized Sirius was awake. Squeezing Sirius’ hand tightly before pushing himself forward to hug the boy. 

“Please never scare me like that again.” Remus pushed his head into the crook of Sirius' neck, tears hitting his skin. “I need you, please don’t leave me.”

“Who said I was leaving, Moony?” Sirius whispered, not wanting to wake James up.

“James told me.” The snitch, Sirius thought with a sigh. “Please Sirius, no more. Please.”

“I’m sorry Re,” he couldn’t think of any other words besides those. He was sorry Remus ever found out, that he had been bad enough that everyone could tell, that he couldn’t keep his pain hidden to spare Remus pain. None of that came out though, only “I’m sorry.”

Sirius was never good at finding beauty in his pain.


	13. Loving You Was a Loosing Game

Mary closed her eyes, feeling Narcissa slowly comb through her hair. It was a relationship Mary herself didn’t see happening. Something she selfishly wished would last, even though she knew, when Narcissa graduated, she would be married off to Lucius and having a perfect Pureblood family. No matter how much Narcissa hated him and loved Mary, she knew that Narcissa didn’t love her more than she feared her family. She wouldn’t survive being outcast by them, not like Sirius, not like her older sister. 

It’s okay, Mary can live in her little bubble. Believing that everything was okay and happy, that Narcissa’s own family wouldn’t kill her if they had a chance just because of her blood. Her bubble was safe, of her laying on Narcissa with her hands in her hair, soft whispers of promises that would be unfulfilled and broken. 

That one day, when Mary and Narcissa both graduated, they would get a small apartment together. Narcissa would have money saved from her family and her time when working as a healer and studying to be a mediwitch. Mary would start at a newspaper firm, becoming a journalist to report in the muggle world and the wizarding world while also looking into becoming an owl trainer. Every Sunday they would go into a muggle town, to a small shop and get breakfast together. Mary would order for the two of them, but they would always get some kind of muffin with either tea or coffee ( maybe even hot chocolate if one of them was upset ).

They would one day have a child with Narcissa’s ink black hair, Mary’s tanned olive skin from her mother’s side, and while Mary hoped for Narcissa’s blue eyes, Narcissa insisted the child would have Mary’s brown eyes. Narcissa was sure that there would be a way for a child to have both of their genes, she would make sure of it. James and Lily would babysit, and James would be the overly worried and responsible one. 

Mary would have to teach Narcissa a bit of Spanish before she was allowed to meet her mother, but she would survive. One day, they would go on a double date with Sirius and Remus whenever they pull themselves together. Marlene refused to be the third wheel for them forever. 

Whether Narcissa knew that she would break the promises or not, Mary let her say them, and even worse, she let herself believe them. Believing that it wasn’t all so fucked up and that Sirius didn’t get beat up as a hate crime and that the world wasn’t cruel. That there wasn’t someone rising that wants her dead just because her parents are not magical. 

Mary preferred her bubble, where the only problems are her OWLS and sneaking into the Slytherin common room. 

“Are you okay?” Narcissa hugged her a little tighter, turning her so that they’re face to face. 

“Yeah, just wishing that we could do this in the Gryffindor common room, it’s a lot warmer there. You should really invest in some heaters, don’t see how you all survive the winter when it’s only October right now.” She smiled, blue eyes bright and lively. So much more so than when she’s around the other Purebloods. Mary wished Narcissa always looked so happy. “You’re so pretty.”

Mary could swear that she was normally more collected, less likely to speak and more to observe. Observing Narcissa wasn’t enough. She could already see the way she smirked when she corrected someone’s paper, or the upturn of her lips when something amuses her. The small sigh and tilt of her head when she finished her homework. The lines between her eyebrows when dealing with family affairs. The hazy look in her eyes when she had drank or smoked too much, letting her limbs turn to liquid and just live in the moment. 

She was beautiful, in every sense of the world. Graceful, and kind in a way Mary had never seen before. A heart so pure and kind, toughened by her home and family, but her eyes gave her away. They always gave her away. 

“You’re so sweet. Can’t imagine why everyone is afraid of you.”

Mary pulled back, frowning. Her hair fell in front of her eyes, obscuring her vision but too sleepy to move them out of her way. “People are not afraid of me.”

All she got in response was a small laugh and a thumb swiped over her cheek. “Love, almost everyone is afraid of you. Mary MacDonald, the quiet Gryffindor who watches everyone and holds everyone’s secrets.” Narcissa cooed at her, “You’re so cute pouting.”

Mary flopped down, putting her head into the crook of Narcissa’s neck. Silky black hair brushing against her face and she tried to get comfy again. “People are not afraid of me.”

Narcissa’s chest vibrated with laughter, but she still rubbed Mary’s back with her hand, kissing her forehead. “They are Love, but that’s okay, they’re afraid of me too.”

“Yeah, because you’re scary. You’re a badass witch that could hex anyone and never be caught. I’m friends with both the smartest people and the most idiotic people who will trip over their own feet.”

“And who’s the scary one of that group?”

“Lily.”

Lily was the one who made them all complete their assignments. Mary was sure they would all end up in detention with failing marks if it wasn’t for Lily. The only ones who could ever refuse her were Sirius and Marlene ( they were too stubborn for their own good ). 

( Which reminded Mary, she had a potions essay due tomorrow, but laying here with Narcissa sounded so much better ).

Mary had never been the scary one, or the one with the impressive hexes. She was the quiet one who purposely put herself on the outside. It made everything so much easier to be on the outside of everything. There but not there. It made her believe she was attached, even though the worry she felt when Sirius fading between consciousness and unconsciousness in her arms proved her wrong. 

She was never very good at lying to herself.

“Sure Love, whatever you say.” 

“It’s still cold in here.”

“I’ll go up to Gryffindor next time.”

Mary didn’t say it, no matter how much she wanted to. It would only hurt more later, when everything fell apart. They were always destined to be doomed. Shakespere had Romeo and Juliet, but Mary won in the bingo card of star crossed lovers. A Slytherin and Gryffindor, both women, a Pureblood and Muggleborn. It was the tragic story people loved to read but could never want to live. The Greeks may have created tragic tales, but she was the fool who created her own tragedy. 

Starting a relationship destined to fall apart and rip her heart from her chest. She was a fool from the start, to ever believe that Narcissa would choose her. That she would throw away everything her family believed, everything she was raised to do, everything she knew, just for her? 

Not even her bubble could protect her from that. Time may heal, but Mary dreaded the day that she will have to rely on that encouragement. 

She was a fool. Their love was a losing game.


	14. Sun and Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t like it but here :)

“What are we doing for Halloween?” Sirius jumped on top of him, knocking the air out of James. “Oh stop being dramatic, that’s my thing. Now what are we doing for Halloween?”

The two had been dressing up together for Halloween since second year. It was “their thing”. Others dressed up with whoever they were dating, but James and Sirius always chose to dress up with each other instead. After all, they were closer than whoever they would ever date. Halloween was a day for them to act completely out of line, stick to each other the whole day, eat everything they could at the feast, then get fucked up at the after party. So almost like any other day, besides for the getting smashed part. 

James hadn’t given much thought to Halloween, he had been a bit preoccupied with other things. Ranging from his friends, to studying for classes, and preparing for OWLs. The only thing he was making sure to keep track of was birthdays, Halloween didn’t seem like a very big deal. 

“We could try to transform ourselves into ghosts!” Sirius gasped, sitting up. James had no idea how they would do that, but he was sure if Sirius really wanted to do it, they would end up doing it. “Hear me out! There has to be some kind of spell or potion to temporarily turn ourselves into ghosts. Wait, but ghosts can’t eat or drink. But they can go through walls and people. Pros and cons, pros and cons.”

“Absolutely not.” Remus dropped his bag next to his bed, flopping down onto it. He barely looked at the two, but somehow James was sure he was rolling his eyes. “Even if the two of you did find a way to transform yourselves into ghosts, you would fuck it up and be stuck as ghosts. I would rather my best mates be living people.”

James could see Sirius pouting, flipping Remus off even though he couldn’t see him. “Why do you think we fuck everything up Moony?” James teased with a smile, pushing Sirius up and off of him. “We would make fabulous ghosts, I’ll have you know. Haunt a few people, scare some first years.”

“Horrible idea.”

“Then what are you going to be, oh wise one.”

Remus paused, lifting himself up to lean back on his elbows. A sly smile spreading across his face. “I’m going to be a werewolf.” Sirius threw a pillow at his face, prompting Remus to start laughing. “Better than being stuck as a ghost forever!”

And yet Remus wondered why James felt the need to take care of him so much. With those jokes, Remus would soon be going for Sirius’ role as friend who makes self deprecating jokes. ( James really needed to talk to him about that at some point ).

“You’re already a werewolf twelve times a year! What’s the point of making it thirteen.”

“Technically I’m a werewolf all year, just not completely.”

James rolled his eyes, throwing his own pillow at Remus’ head. 

“Sirius will you please get off the roof?” James hated it when he went out there. He never wanted to go out there but he didn’t like Sirius being out there on his own. 

Sirius always said it was easier to think out there, looking out at the sky and being able to breathe fresh air. It was a place where very few people would follow him. James thought that Sirius just liked to give him heart attacks. It wasn’t that James was afraid of heights, he did play quidditch after all, that’s not a sport for you to be afraid of heights. It was the way nothing would catch him if he slipped. There was no net, no broom for him to fly on, no teachers to help if he fell. 

Even through the window, it was hard to see Sirius. His hair whipped in the wind, hiding his face. “Just give me a few more minutes!” He could see Sirius laying down, staring up at the sky as the sun set, cigarette held loosely between his fingers. James couldn’t recall Sirius putting it between his lips once while out there. 

He didn’t move from the window. James couldn’t focus on anything else knowing Sirius was out on the roof. The past few weeks had gotten better, but the roof was always a panic button for James. Every time Sirius went out on it, James couldn’t trust that an accident wouldn’t happen and Sirius wouldn’t tumble off. 

He didn’t want Sirius to become a cautionary tale. Someone who was talked about to first years, of people saying to stay away from the edge, someone once slipped and -. Sirius was already a cautionary tale to many. To purebloods, not to be sorted into a house besides Slytherin. To not stand out, or speak back. Not to be anything other than the perfect child who learned the lesson that children are better seen than heard far too young. 

“Hey James?”

“Yes Sirius?”

“Do you think the sun is lonely?” Oh the mental gymnastics James was about to do to figure out how to figure out what Sirius is really connecting this to. 

“Why would the sun be lonely?”

“The moon has all these stars around it, and the stars have each other. There’s fucking thousands of them, all together and make a beautiful picture. The sun shines a light for everyone. It gives us warmth and light, but it’s alone.” Who is the sun in Sirius’ mind? “Maybe the sun and moon are both lonely. After all, the moon has so many stars around it, but it isn’t the same as those stars. It’s different, and supposedly better. So all the stars have each other, and while they may love the moon, they aren’t like the moon, so they don’t understand the moon. And the moon is alone, in that way I guess.”

Is Sirius the moon? Would that make Regulus the sun? All alone and known as the perfect Black child. Or would Regulus be the moon and Sirius the sun? Is Regulus even a part of this at all? 

“I think the sun has stars, it’s just so bright that we can’t see them, but they’re there for the sun. The moon may not have had someone the same as it, but it doesn’t change the fact that it has the stars. It’ll just take time for the stars to under the moon, I think.”

Sirius nodded like anything James just said had made sense. It didn’t even make sense to James, as he tried to word it in any way that would make Sirius know that they love him. 

“I think the sun and moon miss each other.” 

“Yeah, I think so too.”


End file.
